Is This Really My Life? Part 2
Now faith is the assurance (title deed, confirmation) of things hoped for (divinely guaranteed), and the evidence of things not seen [the conviction of their reality—faith comprehends as fact what cannot be experienced by the physical senses]. Hebrews 11:1 (Read the entire chapter here)
Last week I posted about getting discouraged about taking my medication. Writing about it proved to be therapeutic - it forced me to dig a little deeper into why my alarm irked me so badly sometimes. Now that I understand that it’s more than just surface level frustration about medicine, I can strategically combat and pray about it. For the sake of length, I split my post into 2 parts. Last week I spoke about hope, and this week I want to talk about faith. (Hope and faith are different but not exclusive; you cannot have hope without faith and you cannot have faith without hope. Here’s a nice explanation, if you’re interested.)
The definition of faith, in the context I am writing about it, is the “firm belief in something for which there is no proof.” (Merriam-Webster) Or, as the Bible defines it, “faith is the assurance (title deed, confirmation) of things hoped for (divinely guaranteed), and the evidence of things not seen [the conviction of their reality—faith comprehends as fact what cannot be experienced by the physical senses].” (Hebrews 11:1, AMP)
So how exactly is faith supposed to look when we are faced with chronic illnesses, pain, or tragedies or inexplicably difficult situations? For those of us with “incurable” illnesses, it is incredibly hard some days to put our faith on top of our diagnoses and symptoms. On top of that, there’s an element of hidden shame or guilt from the belief that a lack of faith caused us to be in our current condition (well, maybe that’s just me?).
It would be so easy to type out some sort encouragement saying that my faith has always outweighed by fears. But, that would be a lie, because, in the past, there have been days, weeks, and probably even months at a time where I had little to no belief in the unseen future of my life. There have been nights where I was in so much pain, that I was unsure I would make it until the morning. There were weeks where I thought I would never have a pain free moment for the remainder of my life. And yes, there were even times when I thought it would be easier to end it all rather than to keep fighting this seemingly hopeless fight. But I’m still here.
“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
The Bible says that without faith, it’s impossible to please God, and I suppose during those times I wasn’t very satisfying to Him. It’s not that I didn’t believe in Him necessarily, I just didn’t have much faith that there was more to my story than what I was seeing. But, I’ve come to appreciate the mustard seed-sized faith moments rather than be ashamed of them. (BTW -That’s a mustard seed pictured on the overview page). I used to cringe when I looked back on how little faith I had during my toughest times. I have realized that sometimes I minimized my “mountains” out of guilt; that mountains can be subjective according to the time and place in our lives. For me, getting through the night was a mountain that my tiny bit of faith helped me move. Continuing to fight is moving a mountain. And certainly, deciding to continue to live in joy is moving, or even destroying, a mountain.
In the world we want to pretend we live in, our faith stays strong at all times. We don’t waiver, and we put all of trust in God, believing 100% that everything will be okay. But, for most of us, that’s not how life goes. And if we are willing put aside our self-righteousness, we can see that it’s is rarely the case in our own lives. Even the people used as examples in Hebrews 11 had moments of lack of faith. Abraham and Sarah laughed when they were told they would have a child in their old age. They even went ahead and took the matter into their own hands! Moses doubted ability to be used by God because of His speaking abilities. Gideon needed proof (more than once), Barak wouldn’t fight without help, Jeremiah doubted his ability as a young man, and don’t even get me started on David (have you read the Psalms?!).
We are human, and we are all (at least we should be) evolving in our faith. The walk looks different for all of us, and for those of us with illnesses, it may be a little more trying. I’m so incredibly grateful for God’s grace along the way. And, by the way, I’m okay with admitting that my faith has wavered on more than one occasion, because ironically, those were the times that made my faith stronger. James 1:2-4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what we are facing, it only matters that we have a little bit of that assurance of what we hope for. Whatever we are facing, faith will get us through. If even at the very least we start with just a mustard seed, we will continue to mature and our faith will grow. We just have keep moving forward, and looking to Him and His Word.