The Anxiety in Surrender
“When they came to the place which God had told him about, Abraham built an altar and arranged the wood on it. He tied up his son and placed him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he picked up the knife to kill him. But the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven, “Abraham, Abraham!” He answered, “Yes, here I am.” “Don’t hurt the boy or do anything to him,” he said. “Now I know that you honor and obey God, because you have not kept back your only son from him.””
Today, I’m talking about anxiety. While I address this from a spiritual standpoint, I’m neither minimizing nor ignoring the reality of the physical, emotional, and mental manifestations of anxiety. Anxiety disorders - Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, PTSD, and Panic Disorders - are real and need to be addressed. I encourage anyone experiencing symptoms of any anxiety disorder to seek help from either a doctor or therapist. If you need a referral, please reach out to me via this form, and I will try to connect you to someone who can help.
It was February 17, 2018 around 11:00 PM. Jonathan was in the hospital for the 3rd time post-surgery. I had a terrible feeling that something wasn't right at the hospital, but all I could do was pray. That night I surrendered everything I had - my hope, my disappointment, my husband, son, and myself to God. I really didn't have much left to hold on to, so I was in a position to give it all up. In between sobs, God asked me if I would still trust Him even if Jonathan didn't make it home from the hospital. I cried out "YES. I TRUST YOU. I TRUST YOU." I fell asleep and woke up to a much brighter day and a much lighter burden.
I wish I could leave my faith story right there. After all, it's a perfect example and storyline of strong Christian faith in the midst of chaos and pain. The good news is that I have never turned back on that surrender. But after that night, I began experiencing anxiety for the first time in my life, and even experienced a few panic attacks. Now, it would be very easy to throw in some Bible verses and anecdotes to discredit my surrender, and discount my experience. But today, I’m arguing for the side that says my anxiety is neither unique to my story, nor counteracting my surrender.
The truth is, when I surrendered, my cognitive dissonance and one-foot-in-the-world-one-foot-in-the-Spirit had to go. There would no longer be a back and forth with my will and His will. It was all His will moving forward, and this is where the anxiety part came in. I had learned in a very short amount of time, that His will doesn't always feel good. In fact, His will can be painful, confusing, frustrating and most certainly patience-testing.
In the months following that life-changing event, I spent a lot of time meditating and challenging my thoughts on Jeremiah 29:11 (a sign with this verse hangs in Elijah's room, so I came face to face with it often). It didn't take long for me to realize that "plans to prosper and not to harm" was subjective to God and had very little to do with how we define those words. We would never consider losing a loved one tragically, or being diagnosed with an illness or cancer prospering, and surely it would be considered harmful to us. I cringe when people try to comfort others with "it's all a part of God's plan," because it's not exactly comforting. But it's true. Sometimes the process of “God working it out for our good” doesn't feel good.
And so, I would often find myself in a frozen state, playing out a scenario of losing someone very close to me, and having to surrender it to God as part of His plan. Or I would consider His purpose for my illness; will He allow my pain to be healed, or will I be the victim of internal degradation by way of autoimmune attack? I fought many battles in my mind, and shed a lot of tears. Clearly, God and I had some things to sort out (obviously, it was me and not Him), and I had a lot to learn.
And over the past 16 months, He has patiently and gently taught me how to handle the anxiety that stemmed from my surrender. I’d like to share a few lessons He gave me:
True trust must be present.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.
In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, and He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].” (AMP) Surrender cannot be sustained without trust. Unfortunately, many of us trust God according to how we think He should act in order to fulfill His Word (which is often misinterpreted). When He doesn’t do what we have boxed Him in to do, we lose our trust in Him. True trust can only be built once we come to a more accurate perception of who He is. This understanding only comes through prayer (relationship with Him) and proper knowledge of the Word.
God does not want or intend for you to worry about His will.
We don’t understand His will and we can’t comprehend His ways. We will lose our minds if we worry about and attempt to compute His next move. But, if we look back on our past trials, we should have, at the very least, a fragment of a testimony of how God has never failed us. We look to the past to look forward, and even if pain was involved, we are still standing today. God wants us to rely and lean on Him without anxiousness or distress. If this were not true, the words “do not fear,” “I am with you,” and “trust” (in some form or another) would not appear so frequently in the Bible.
We absolutely must discern and challenge our own thoughts.
The Bible tells us to “Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8, AMP). One of the biggest doors we leave open to the devil, is the door to our mind. The enemy can and does use our own thoughts against us, and he is slick in doing so! It is so important for us to compare our thoughts to what the Word says and what we know about God. The best way I’ve found to challenge my thoughts is to match their impact with the fruit of the Spirit. In other words, is this thought producing “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness [or] self-control”? (Galatians 5:22) If not, why am I thinking this way, and what other feelings is this bringing up? Regardless of the answer, prayer against any thought that doesn’t align with the fruit of the Spirit is the next step. Which leads me to the final lesson:
Prayer works. Believe it.
It’s not enough to just push an anxious thought away. We have to pray against the thought, and for God to take action. For instance, whenever I had a thought about losing someone close to me, not only would I command the enemy to leave my thoughts, but I would pray for God’s protection over that particular person. There’s so much truth to Philippians 4:6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
The learning curve in walking with God is volatile. We take baby steps and then we find ourselves diving head-first. I’m so grateful His grace includes patience and second (or third, fourth, and fifth) chances. Surrender is only one aspect of our faith, but it’s monumental. It’s not easy; if anyone has told you otherwise, well, he or she was lying. Surrender is not only a product of transformation, but a result thereof. And it’s not a one-time event, it’s a process. But the work, as painful, frustrating, and anxiety-producing as it may be, is worth the reward. Wherever you are in your faith, step forward. Do it while scared, do it while anxious, do it while weak. He will supply you with what you need to fulfill His purpose in you.