WTH?

Stop your anger! Turn off your wrath. Don’t fret and worry—it only leads to harm. Psalm 37:8 (TLB)

As you know, I’ve been sitting on the edge of a flare since last week; I thought I might make it through, but, I didn’t. After getting through the weekend, a quick call to the doctor provided me with my treasured Methylprednisolone pack (aka - steroids), but now it’s a waiting- and praying- game. I want to apologize in advance for any rambling or incoherent thoughts in this post; unfortunately flares also cause my mind to become cloudy.

I know we aren’t supposed to curse as believers, but some days it’s hard to not let your frustration and disappointment come out in a few choice words. I have to admit, some of this is probably my fault. I did way more than I should have this past weekend, and my body is paying for it. After our family night out on Saturday, I came home feeling drained and achy, and Sunday was no better. Yesterday morning, I woke up in a full flare - in pain and angry. 🤬

It is my belief that the hardest part of living with a chronic illness is not necessarily the physical symptoms, but the emotional side effects. I believe that if we can learn to control and monitor our emotions during the ups and downs of living with chronic illnesses, more than half the battle is won. Physical symptoms and mental health DO have a relationship, and often we end up in a damaging cycle between the two.

Obviously, I haven’t learned to control my emotions completely...yet. But I know that I am making some progress, because I’m sitting here typing rather than throwing a tantrum* and wallowing in frustration and despondency. (*I actually did throw a tantrum earlier; God checked me and I got myself together in time to get through this post). Life has been running pretty smoothly the past couple of months, but this flare has made it very apparent that I still carry some lingering bitterness, denial, and definitely a little bit of fear.

One of the more ridiculous aspects of my anger as it relates to my illness is that I haven’t quite nailed down what I’m actually angry about. I guess I’m probably angry at my body for its malfunctioning. I know I’m a little angry at myself for overdoing it this past weekend. And I would be remiss if I didn’t say that I’m slightly angry that this is the path that God has me on. If we’re being super honest, in the past couple of days, I’ve briefly questioned if the ministry God has called me to is worth the pain…

The good thing (I guess it’s a good thing?) is that I’m familiar with anger. I’m so grateful (as, I’m sure my husband and others are) that God has exposed and delivered me from a destructive temper. I know that when I’m angry, I tend to think irrationally and sometimes say dumb and/or hurtful things. I have come to realize the repercussions of my emotions, and therefore, I understand that I cannot stay in an angry disposition for long.

I’m equally, if not more, familiar with how the enemy uses my emotions and circumstances in attempts to manipulate me. I thank God for the discernment and wisdom I have gained through my evolving relationship with Him. I am well aware that when I am not feeling well physically, my mind and emotional state are vulnerable to attacks. One of the enemy’s oldest tricks in the book is getting us to rationalize our destructive emotions and actions. Have you ever thought (consciously or subconsciously) “I deserve to be angry - I didn’t ask for this!” or “I’m in pain - I don’t have to explain my behavior!”? Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that way of thinking is not Godly. Now, let’s clear this up: can and will you be angry at times? Yes, it’s pretty much inevitable (the Bible talks A LOT about anger). But that doesn’t make it good or fruitful. James 1:20 says “human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (NIV) In other words, per the introductory Scripture, anger only brings harm.

The fact of the matter is, the longer we stay angry about our illnesses - our flares, doctors, lack of diagnosis, medications, etc. - the stronger the enemy’s grip becomes. Often, in my opinion, we use our anger as a false sense of control - believing that if we remain mad, our illnesses will not have control over us. But frequently, the opposite is the result - our anger drives us out of control, both emotionally and physically. If left unchecked, anger will inevitably usher in depression, anxiety, isolation, hopelessness, the resulting physical consequences, and, if the enemy is successful, the destruction of our faith in God.

I’m typing this post out of humility and weakness, but also out of the grace and encouragement God has given me over the past 36 hours. I’m so glad God specializes in grace and never operates in shame or condemnation. It allows us to confidently go to Him, even in our anger. Sometimes it’s hard to hear Him with all of the distracting noises, but He’s speaking nonetheless. And on top of communicating with Him, I’ve had to speak life into myself.

Days like these take continual encouragement, from yourself and others. Against my own preferences, I have found myself being honest with others, so that they could encourage and pray for me. Gone are the days of trying to do this all on my own.

I’ve found myself scrutinizing all of my thoughts today - aligning them with the Word and who God is, and throwing out any contradictions. There’s more to this than just the pain; I may not understand it all, but I refuse to bow out in defeat. And I’m confident that you will conquer whatever you are dealing with, too. You have overcome a similar situation, position, or challenge before, and the only thing that is different now is that you are stronger, wiser, and more confident in your ability to persevere. Don’t let your anger take root. Give it to God and keep moving.