Day 23 - Defeating Insecurity Part 1
For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable [for He does not withdraw what He has given, nor does He change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call]. Romans 11:29 (AMP)
So, as you’ve seen over the past 2 days, I definitely have some anxiety and control issues. I’m a work in progress. But if there is one single issue that has plagued me the most- not only recently, but through my entire life- it would be insecurity. Self-sabotaging, relationship-ruining insecurity. I used to think I was the only one who struggled with it so deeply, but the more I talk about it, the more I realize that there are many people who also grapple with it. So, I hope it’s okay if today, I just share a piece my journey – no antidotes or advice, just a small view of what battling insecurity has looked like for me. I really am making a concerted effort to stop allowing insecurity to have power over me, especially since this year, I have been called to great things. I hope I can help others to do the same. BTW, I’ve decided to split this into 2 days, because I have a lot I want to share with you. So here’s part 1:
There’s no point in any of my memories from growing up that signify a time when I had a good amount of confidence. I’ve had to do some serious self-introspection, therapy work, and prayer to get to where I am today, and I still have progress to make. Every stage of my life has brought up a different insecurity: insecurity as it relates to an absent father, insecurity as it relates to racial identity, insecurity as it relates to love (both receiving and giving), and most recently, insecurity as it relates to God’s assignments and calls. At first, my self-doubt wasn’t dealt with accordingly, it started to pile up. The next thing I knew, I was an adult, curled up in a ball crying, with my marriage crumbling, my health failing, and depression taking over my life. But something happened when I hit that low. I began to slowly noticed that God was putting me in certain situations just to rebuild and bring me to a new level of confidence. Here are some examples of those situations over the past 6 years…
1. I declined a job offer at a non-profit agency that had granted me my “dream job” straight out of grad school. I decided to go back to nannying for a while to relieve myself from the stress and vicarious trauma that had piled on from the previous 2 years. My confidence plummeted; I had worked so hard to get to where I wanted to be – I wanted to change the world, counseling one child at a time. And now, here I was, an LPC and Master’s Degree recipient, babysitting. I watched friends and colleagues advance in their careers. I sat silently in conversations about workplace dramas and promotions. It was only after I returned to work in the non-profit field that I realized the necessity of that season: I had to learn that my confidence could not rest in any particular job or position, but rather my skills and strengths. Today, I understand that God had to put separation in between my identity and my job. He knew that my counseling degree had more use in my future ministry than my career as a counselor. (And there were many more blessings that came out of this season as well!)
2. I began serving in the women’s ministry. Now, I know that it was God who called me there, because I personally would have avoided it like the plague. He put me around women of color who were biblical scholars and powerful teachers. He showed me what it was like for women of different ages and skin tones and backgrounds to pray for and encourage each other. He showed me that we were all unique: I was no longer “Amanda the mixed girl” or “Amanda the black chick who acts/talks white.” I was just Amanda for once in my life, and even if they didn’t really like me, they loved me because they loved God.
Then serving got real. I was suddenly put in a position that called me to things like managing teams, running meetings, and organizing conferences for 1000+ women. I literally had no experience doing those type of things, so insecurity ran amok. After the 2nd year, I finally started believing I had valuable, God-given gifts and skills needed for effective ministry. I started seeing the impact of ministry, not only on others, but myself. I watched God use women to change lives. And I don’t remember saying I wanted to be able to do that, but the next thing I knew I was sitting in a class to become certified to teach within the church. I did it, with the encouragement of others, only because I felt an inexplicable push to do so. More on that tomorrow…
3. I became a mom. So, let me just say this – being a mother can make you feel like a failure, pretty much all the time. But motherhood really did help me get over some of my insecurity. Also, I know you’re counting the years like, “she’s only been a mother for three years,” and yes, I was dealing with serious insecurity three years ago. But I learned that if you can decently raise and care for a child (regardless of if you are a biological, adoptive, step or whatever kind of parent), you have amazing skills. Some days, I look back and I’m like wow, I actually did that with a kid. Look, it’s okay to be proud of your accomplishments as a parent!
4. We were asked to speak at a marriage conference. A few years ago when Jonathan and I received an email asking to be speakers at our church’s marriage ministry conference, we basically just looked at each other and laughed. First, how did you get our names? Second, are you sure you weren’t thinking of someone else? Third, do you know how jacked-up our marriage has been? I still maintain that we were literally at the bottom of the list and everyone above us wasn’t available. But nonetheless, we did it out of obedience to God. There is nothing that will rid you of your insecurity faster than talking about your most vulnerable points with a bunch of strangers. I’m sure that there were some people in that room that benefited from our story, but ultimately, our marriage benefited the most. We could now view our problems and deepest hurts as part of the journey. We could identify that our marriage, while jacked up, was not beyond repair. And it renewed, or even recreated, our confidence in each other and in our relationship.
5. 2017 & 2018 Happened. And I realized that I was much, much, MUCH weaker and not nearly as spiritually advanced as I thought I was. Seems like it would perpetrate insecurity, but not so. I was given a clean slate where I could rebuild my faith in a way that honored Him, not my fragile ego. Prayer sustained me, not church or people. God carried me while I threw one tantrum after another. And somehow I came out of it more confident that I had ever been in my life. But this time, my confidence didn’t rest in Amanda, but in how God loves me and what He continues to do for and in me.
6. In June of 2018, God decided to start talking loud and clear. Okay, maybe it was more that my ears were finally open and willing to hear. He told me to write. So, I wrote a book. Well, I actually wrote 2. I started with one, and then wrote a second while He was testing my obedience in the “wait.” I literally had no plans or desires to write anything. I was going to just sit on what I had, maybe add some things here or there. Maybe I would eventually put it online and just allow people who come across it and do whatever with it. There was no real plan…at least to me. November 1, 2018 came around, and I found myself being told that what I have written is amazing and powerful; it should even be published by an actual publisher. But, alas, here comes insecurity. I mean, I always got A’s in English, but I didn’t think I had those skills. Sure, I wrote 2 books in 3 months, but I just did it, it’s really not anything that special. I can imagine that God was shouting “ARE YOU SERIOUS AMANDA?! RECOGNIZE YOUR GIFTS AND YOUR IMPACT ON THE KINGDOM!”
We’ll continue from this point tomorrow.
My purpose in listing and discussing all of these occurrences is not to humble-brag or type out some sort of disconnected autobiography. I just want to show that there are events in our lives that we can look to for encouragement and boosts in confidence. For some of us, we can see how God used certain situations to help us. In my opinion, our past successes are perfect antidotes to our current insecurities.
Food for Thought: You have persevered through so much. You have skills and gifts that are valuable and impactful. You are needed. You have the wisdom to navigate complex problems. You learned and grew from your failures. You are so much more than what your insecurities say to you. God knows your importance and power, and He desperately wants you to see just how invaluable you are!