Why My Body?
“A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. ”
"Sometimes I just wish God would stop using pain in my body for His Will"
I had it typed out in a text to a friend whom I was confiding in about my pain. My hip hurts. The pain is going into its 3rd month and is unscathed by injections and medications. The future of my treatment is hanging in TBD-mode through a few weeks of physical therapy. I'm exhausted and frustrated that yet again, I am dealing with a new pain in my body. It's another "really, God?" moment.
I haven't been able to be active (as I'd like to be) in more than two months. I made it five blocks while Elijah was riding his bike. I guilt-tripped myself into a zoo trip which consisted of about 1/16th of the actual zoo. There's no walking to the park - only driving. Summer is turning into fall, and I missed out on half of it because once again, my body is getting in the way. My husband would tell me that it's really not that big of a deal that we didn't get out as much as I wanted, and that Elijah doesn't even know the difference. But it's a big deal to me. I hate it. So often I feel disappointment and frustration in not being able to take advantage of the activities I chose to be a stay-at-home mom for. It feels unfair.
But I erased the text. "What is the alternative?" I thought. "What if God chose another way or method?" Affliction in my husband's body? Nope, been there, done that. It was one of the hardest points of our lives - I never want to see my husband in that compromised situation again. What if Elijah had to experience this pain? Yeah, right - I'd take a million excruciatingly painful days over seeing my son in pain.
My marriage is great - of course I don't want to have to experience pain in that. And I don't want to lose the friends who keep me covered and encouraged during the rough times. Certainly I don't want to lose any more family members. I can't think of any alternative that I would choose for God to use as the object of His often painful squeezing and forming into His perfect plan. So, I'm biting the bullet, and submitting to the process. Whatever breakthrough or purpose comes through this season is most likely beyond my understanding right now anyway.
So, I chose my words carefully and decided to say something different:
“I don't want to be disobedient so I'll stand still. That's all I can do. And thank you, I will DEFINITELY guard my heart."