The Path of Most Resistance
“I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I set your rules before me. I cling to your testimonies, O Lord; let me not be put to shame! I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!”
“As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct ”
Jonathan and I had always planned to have two children. We had many conversations about our future family throughout our relationship and had discussed timing, preferences, and so on. After we had Elijah in 2016, we knew that our family would continue growing and become complete within the near future.
Then 2017 threw all it had at us. Sudden loss, painful progression of my illness, and Jonathan's diagnosis of pancreatic tumor rocked our world. After Jonathan's arduous and seemingly endless recovery from surgery in 2018, God had taken back full control of our lives - any future plans we had left seemed futile. I've shared before how my 2017-2018 breaking season brought me to a new level of faith and relationship with God. I shifted from living a life driven by my own desires to living for God and submitting to His plan for my life (with some bumps and mess ups along the way, of course). As I went through this transformation, though, some of my desires remained, including having another child.
Here's where I pause and make a huge confession to everyone, including close friends and family: I lied about our family planning process. When the subject came up over the past three years, I told some of you that my body wasn't ready and I wanted to be in a place where my illness was under control. Others we told we just weren't ready. Sometimes I just said "we will see what happens."
The real reason we hadn’t moved forward with growing our family is simply that God said no. We were being obedient to God’s personal word to us. My prayer life blossomed and intensified in 2018; I saw miracles and wonders happen in and because of prayer. Yet when I prayed about having a child, God said “No.” In 2019, I started writing, blogging while launching this ministry and answering the call to encourage those with chronic illnesses. And while I was serving whole-heartedly, the answer to my strongest personal desire was "No." For three years I prayed and pleaded with God to release me to have another child. And for three years, I was continuously given a “No” or "wait" usually followed by another directive for what God wanted me to do next.
If you're expecting a great sermon about the glory of obedience here, I'm sorry to let you down. Those three years were near torture. As a stay-at-home mom with one kid who was quickly growing, I wondered how silly it looked to others that we were waiting so long in between kids. I saw absolutely no progress in my (still) unpublished devotional, which God had put before me as a sort of prerequisite for fulfilling my own desire. I screamed and threw temper tantrums at the thought of potentially never having the opportunity to expand our family. I had moments of weakness where I asked Jonathan if we should just move forward without God's permission. There were numerous tears shed, much bitterness and frustration endured, and endless contemplations about unfulfilled dreams and the purpose of it all.
I love serving God, but truth be told, I don’t always like the obedience that goes with it. True obedience is hard. I didn't share my struggle with more than a couple of friends (those who would help to pray me through), because aside from it being very personal, obedience to God's will often looks silly to the world, and, yes, even to the church! In a time of immediate self-gratification and "manifesting your best self,” it makes no sense to not go after what you want. But if my life has shown me anything it's the importance and benefits of obedience: it is the easiest way, despite it being the way of most resistance. I lived the majority of my adult life in both ignorant and deliberate disobedience, and while I must say, I can laugh at the wild experiences and stupidity of my actions now, I would never choose that life over the one of obedience. It means sacrificing a lot and putting yourself aside, but it also means wholeness and peace. It means letting go of old habits, relationships, and mindsets, but it also means gaining wisdom, joy, and eternal fulfillment.
A life of obedience to God means reluctantly (and I mean the kind that involves kicking and screaming) letting go of your heart's deepest desires, yet gaining a heart after God's own and acquiring an understanding of His love in a way that is not based on receiving our wants but on Who He is. I say this as humbly as possible - I chose the path of most resistance because I have gotten just a small taste of the depth of the love God has for me, personally, and for us as His children. My obedience is a tiny reciprocation of what He has given me.
Jonathan and I are expecting our baby boy any day now. I'm honored and beyond grateful that God released us, in 2020 of all years, to experience the miracle of life again. Let me be clear, though, had I written this without my desire fulfilled, obedience would STILL be the best path. As I shared in a recent FB live I did - obedience performed to get what we want is not true obedience. We obey reactively, not proactively, to what God has already done for us.
As our lives transition into a new season, there will be more desires deferred, calls to higher levels of obedience, and given my stubbornness, most likely some more tantrums. I may trip, I may pause, I may question my position, but I will try my hardest to stay on the path of most resistance.
Food for thought: God calls us all to live our lives obedient to His Word and call. What has He told you to do that you have avoided because it would mean putting your own desires to the side? Although the path of obedience is difficult, it is TRULY the best one to take. (Re)Commit to God’s will for your life, and enjoy the benefits.